I spend a lot of time marveling at our two kids - how much they grow, how fast they learn things, and I love taking pictures and comparing them at one age with another. They truly are two little miracles. I think back to this time last year, and without any unnecessary details, let's just say that Caroline was being created right around now. I found out I was pregnant in mid-August and we were thrilled and scared and excited. Now, a year later, she's a little person with her own budding (stubborn!) personality and easy smile.
I spend most, if not all, of my time flitting back and forth between them, providing something. Whether it's a healthy snack plate for Jack (worrying about if he's getting too much sugar and not enough vegetables) or taking a minute to sit down and nurse Caroline (who sadly gets pulled off the breast the second she indicates that she may be done eating.) I worry all day. I worry about if they are stimulated too much or not enough, if they get enough outside time and exercise and walks or too much TV. I worry if I am letting them sleep enough or too much. I worry if they are eating right, getting enough fluids or vitamins. I worry that their little brains aren't sucking up enough classical music and they are listening to too much "Call Me Maybe." (Okay, okay, I'm honestly not that worried about that one, but you know what I mean. Intellectual stimulation and all that.)
Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I recognize how special they really are, and that I devote myself fully to their well-being. Sometimes, though, I take a step back and look in the mirror...and, EEEK!
Now if you happen to be one of those women who bounces back immediately after giving birth and walks out of the hospital in your pre- pregnancy pants, well...this post probably isn't relevant to you. I am happy for you, I really am, but I am also jealous. Because train wreck doesn't even begin to describe what giving birth to two children has done to my body!
It's definitely a love-hate relationship. I love the fact that my body made these kids, and nurtured them and protected them. Most days, though, I hate looking in the mirror. I have fat in places that I never did before. I struggle daily with my appetite because nursing makes me absolutely famished and I feel like I could eat five or six meals a day...which I know is no good. I hate that I can't button my old pants because I am still so swollen above my c-section scar. I hate that I leak milk just about every hour of every day. I hate that I feel 2 weeks postpartum when I am really almost 4 months.
I have given myself little goals. I hesitate to share them, because what if I fail? But nevertheless, here they are.
1. Stop rewarding myself with food. Here is one of my favorite bloggers talking about this topic. I have to stop falling into the couch exhausted at the end of the day when the kids are in bed with a bowl of ice cream. http://www.snack-girl.com/snack/reward-yourself-without-food/
2. Run or swim 3x a week. I don't think this is a very hard goal. I already do a ton of walking, stroller pushing, carrying baby on me, loading things into or out of cars and carts. Justin loaded new music on my iPod and I got new goggles and free daycare at the pool. This should theoretically be the easiest of my goals.
3. Be able to successfully (maybe not perfectly) wear a bikini by the beginning of next summer. That's giving me a whole year from Caroline's birth to get back into bathing suit shape. If I can't do it by then, I will never be able to do it.
For all of those other moms out there who are happy with their post-baby bodies...can you share what's worked? Or what hasn't? Or any tips or hints? If I am being completely honest, it took me until Jack's second birthday to get back to my old self...and ironically, that's right when I got pregnant with Caroline. This time, I'm more dedicated because I know that I will never be pregnant again so this weight isn't just going to be lost so that I can gain it back again in a few years. This is for good, for keeps, and I want to spend my 30's healthy and happy so I can enjoy my two little miracles!
Oh Kelly I love reading your posts. You are so refreshingly honest and positive. I think most normal women can relate to what you've shared! Since you asked, what has totally changed me both physically and mentally has been going diary and (mostly) gluten free. I figured out I was lactose intolerant so I decided to cut all dairy and then just decided to cut gluten too. I've been eating this way for about seven months and am thinner than I've ever been. But the best part is how great I feel. I no longer have spikes in my insulin and get to the point where I could eat anything in front of me- I don't have headaches regularly any more and I have so much more energy. I know this is a pretty radical lifestyle change and it might be totally impractical with breast feeding but if you're interested in more details I'll be glad to tell you stuff I eat etc. I think you've got the right idea tho- small goals and you will get there! Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the couch. (And I don't even have kids!)
ReplyDeleteGood job on keeping perspective!
Hey doll-- I know I am in the category of losing weight more rapidly than others, but I wasnt (and still and not) completely happy with the post baby body. I had all these lofty goals after A was born about running (i did have a jogging stroller!) or swimming or going to the Y regularly... yea, none of that happened. I dont know if it was because she was young, i didnt know about daycare at the Y, laziness in general? Who knows.... I know I have told you this, but I swear, what worked best for me? The Insanity workouts. I saw you in Boston about a month after I had started them and was already below pre-pregnancy weight. I have since gained a few pounds, but thats because I stopped doing them and started doing Yoga (which I also LOVE). I think i will get back on track with them. You can do them in the comfort of your own home while the kiddos are sleeping (napping). No more than an hour out of your day. Just gotta make sure you stick with it. Its only a 2 month regimen. Thats no time at all! Good luck! Love you :)
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