Testing Boundaries

Oh, the life of a one-year-old. Most of the parenting books and articles say that kids don't start to "test their boundaries" until they are at least 18 months old. Not our baby boy! He is a headstrong, independent little person that gets really angry when you try and tell him what to do. (Notice I say "try.")

Jack certainly knows right from wrong. We see this manifested in certain situations, like in the bathtub. He is allowed to touch the rubber duck that covers the faucet, but he is NOT allowed to touch the faucets or the level that controls the drain. We tell him "no" using baby sign language (by bringing the index and middle finger together to touch the thumb.) He looks at us, smiles, shakes his head no, and then tentatively sticks out his finger to knowingly touch the item that he is not allowed to. Then, when we reprimand him again by saying "no," and removing his finger, he screws up his face and starts screaming.

This also happens as he exhibits his newfound skill of throwing food on the floor. As suggested by daycare, the second he starts throwing his food on the floor from his highchair, he is "all done." (Sign language: shake open palms in front of body several times.) I do the "all done" sign and then tell him "when you throw food on the floor, you are telling Mommy that you are all done. You can have more when you behave." And I immediately take him down from his highchair. He gets really mad and proceeds to throw himself on the floor and scream. I am not a fan of these new assertions of independence - although I know they are necessary, it sure does make eating out a lot harder.

I found this in an article online and I think it's a good guide to follow. Easier said than done...

"When setting boundaries, it’s important to keep in mind the following:


Boundaries should be reasonable, age appropriate, and always consistent. If there is no consistency, there is no boundary. Boundaries need to be thought through, discussed, and enforced jointly by both parents.

Boundaries must be clearly defined and easily understood by the child. All children will test boundaries, it’s a natural part of development. So long as the boundaries stay solid and consistent, the children will eventually and usually quickly stop testing them.


When a child has crossed the boundary line, there must be a reasonable and consistent consequence. A boundary means nothing without a consequence and let’s face it, if this lesson is not taught by the loving guidance of parents, life will teach a child this lesson in a much more severe way.

Consequences should reflect the severity of the inappropriate behavior. If it’s a one time slip-up on a small offense such as interrupting, all that may be needed is a simple verbal reminder…"It's not polite to interrupt." If it’s more serious or habitual, then the consequence must be memorable enough that the behavior won’t be repeated.


It’s important to give some thought as to what your own personal selection of consequences should be for your child. Immediate removal from an activity or play date, the temporary loss of privileges, removing a toy, time outs etc…just teach the important lesson that what they are doing is not OK. Also, consider coming up with different levels of consequences. For example, if this behavior happens it’s an “x” consequence, if the behavior happens again it’s a “y” consequence and so forth.


Be aware that a verbal warning will have no effect unless the inappropriate behavior has had prior consequences firmly established. (Think Pavlov.) For example, if a child has previously been removed from a birthday due to inappropriate behavior and later at another birthday party begins to exhibit inappropriate behavior, chances are that if you tell that child to stop or we’ll leave, they will take you seriously and behave. On the other hand, if the child has never experienced a consequence prior, it’s unlikely that a verbal warning will have any effect.


Of course, the best time to begin the use of boundaries is when children are very small around the time they are just becoming toddlers. These boundaries would be simple and primarily about safety. As the child grows, parents need to acquire new age appropriate boundaries, which should be implemented as the inappropriate behavior occurs. (Keep in mind that what may be an amusing behavior from a two year old, may not at all be amusing in a couple years.)


If a child is older and has never been given boundaries, the task is more difficult and requires more attention, but is not impossible. Although, beginning boundaries with older children will initially require more effort, not setting them is without a doubt the far more difficult path in the long run.


All children yearn to feel safe and know what’s expected of them and giving your child the means to do this will help them have a secure and well-adjusted life. A life which can bring them positive interaction with their parents, friends, teachers, and most importantly themselves."