Body update.

I wrote awhile back about my post-baby body. I want to keep everyone updated both to hold me to my own goals, but also to document how hard this really is so that when I reach them, I am extra proud of myself! I am going to be brutally honest...sorry in advance.

First, this article was published on Babble today. It's a great read for any pregnant, new, or older mom. It reminds you to be gentle with yourself because not everyone's perfect. The two slides that resonate most with me are the one about not losing weight while breastfeeding (it's like my body stores and hordes every calorie I eat!) and the one about your ab muscles having to move back into place (especially after 2 c-sections.) I know that I stand in the mirror aghast and frustrated, wondering when and if I will ever feel like my old self again. I think about all the celebrities I know (new-mom Jessica Simpson is now a Weight Watchers spokeswoman, and her daughter is younger than mine!) There is an incredible amount of pressure on us new moms to get back to our skinny, healthy-looking selves as soon as possible.

I have the genes to always battle my weight, and I openly admit and acknowledge that. I eat when I'm hungry but also when I'm bored or stressed or tired or lonely. I think it's extra frustrating to me, because I spent my childhood and teenage years in the pool, swimming something like 25 hours a week. I never gave my weight a second thought, and I never thought much about food either. Fettucine alfredo? Yes. Cookies after dinner? Yes. Ice cream and cake and milk and gravy? Yes. I could eat whatever I wanted because I burned it all off immediately. I don't even think I hit 100 lbs until I was a sophomore in college. I just never had to think about it.

Now, it's different. I do consciously think about every calorie. I try so hard to not binge eat, but I am not always successful. I am absolutely starving, ravenously hungry because I am nursing, but I try to fight it. I have been very successful at being more active. I get into the pool or on the treadmill 3-4 times a week. Yesterday I ran for 25 minutes and swam laps for 30. I am super sore today, but it feels good. I walk the kids to the park and back every afternoon. I run with and around Jack. I lift and hold and lug Caroline and her ridiculously heavy carseat all day. It's been almost a month of increased activity and (somewhat) reduced calorie intake, and I've lost a grand total of 4 lbs.

Am I frustrated? YES. Do I feel better in my body? Yes. I have more energy. I don't need as many naps (unless I'm up all night with the baby.) I am always sore and my muscles always feel like they are being worked. But I still can't close my old (fat) jeans. I still go to my maternity pants because regular pants push on my incision and it hurts. I try to cut myself some slack, but it's hard. I feel incredibly unattractive and like an alien in my own body.

But the battle continues. My baby is only (only??) 4 and a half months old. I will keep on keeping on until something budges. It may not happen until I wean her, but hopefully then, all this work will pay off and the pounds will melt off. A girl can hope, right?... :)